Everything plunges into darkness. For the first few minutes, I am disoriented.

Slowly, the family emerges, one by one, around the kitchen table. Candles are lit, a game is found, a cozy blanket covers two of us, a bag of chips gets passed around.

The intimacy of candlelight. We sit close to one another, our faces barely lit. The light softens our expressions and holds us close.

I love how audacious spring is. No matter the harsh season that preceded, one day, it suddenly, unabashedly, tumbles forward, with tender shoots of possibility; hope personified. It never looks back, and it never holds back.

Am I headed in the right direction? I don't know.

When will this all end? I don't know.

Should I be doing something differently? I don't know.

Will I handle being cooped up all winter? I don't know.

Will Covid bring the incubation time for a new creative start? I don't know.

I am hanging in space in a moment of perfect stillness, no resistance, suspended between my launch point and my destination.

The point after my in-breath and before my out-breath.

There is no rushing.

I am lingering in the memory of what it feels like to be held.

This time of physical distancing has felt cruel to me; I miss the feeling of someone leaning into me, and I, into them, our synchronizing breath connecting us in a symbiotic heartbeat.

Joni Mitchell made a mess in aisle 6.
It’s early morning at Whole Foods, we are choreographed in a dance of space and calm. The music that someone has intentionally chosen reminds me of carefree, simple times - you know, The Beatles, Carole King, Mamas and the Papas… singing tunes.

I hadn’t noticed it until I realized I was humming…

I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. I was greeted by the voice in my head saying “I don’t think you’re doing this right”. This feeling followed me around yesterday too. I remember coaching my clients just a few weeks ago… “everything is going to change, what we do and how we do it is going to shift. Be prepared to let “the way it is” go and accept that we are going to create a new normal”.

-and then the world shifted -

Now is a time to build connection with one another.
Suddenly, many of us are experiencing a heightened sense of isolation and stress. While social distancing is a critical health measure at this time, it is important to remember that it is meant to insist on a geographical distance between us, not an emotional distance. As humans, we are hardwired for connection; we are meant to live in community, we have an important psychological need to feel like we are a part of one another. Join us for COFFEE BREAK CONNECTION CHALLENGES.

I have arrived on a quest to find a place to pause, and without hurry, tend to the questions that keep nagging at me… “have I become all I am meant to be? ... Is there a next right answer waiting for me? ... What does it really mean to live my best life?”

There I was, enjoying the sunshine streaming through the window of my favourite café, when my friend said “I noticed that your posts and your retreats are all about living from a place of gratitude, joy, beauty…you do know there is more than that, right? There is suffering, there is pain, there is ugly”. I sat up. I was stunned to realize that he thought my celebrations were avoidance. That to “Celebrate What’s Right in the World” was to walk around with lenses focused only on the good and simply not look at the bad…

Despite having no experience in cattle farming, and being a vegan to boot, I am about to be a midwife to a calf. Sharon is my guide as we do our nocturnal rounds. We have taken the night shifts and come out every two hours to check on all the moms to be, noting who might be ready to drop and making sure no one is in distress. These temperatures are cold enough that a little calf left unattended for too long would suffer. We are vigilant in the stillness.

I refuse to succumb to the word “success” anymore. That word has been hijacked and polluted. Instead of compelling or inspiring to greatness, I see it harm and diminish both clients and friends. I’d rather talk about fulfillment, joy, meaning, or whatever word makes me and them smile longingly.

My personal favourite is Glorious…

I am sipping wine in a garden in Tuscany where the flowers tumble, one over the other, with little effort and great glory. They flirt with me, confident in their radiance and their right of place. I am struck with how bold these flowers are. Not just in their colour and form but in their conviction; to bloom and to be.

A rose is a rose…

It had been typical English weather for 5 days and counting. We were locked into cloud, fog and rain so dense that at 2 o’clock in the afternoon we had all the lights on. I looked up from my coffee, and just gazed at the dreary drizzle.

“Want to go watch the sunset?” my friend asked…

Such a calm comes over me as I peer into the profound depth of the night sky. You would think that lying under such limitlessness I would feel my own insignificance but, for reasons that I cannot explain, I feel instead such a profound sense of connection– I am flooded with a knowing that I have a place in the world. It is as if the act of looking at the stars makes me one of them.

…and then this young bridesmaid stomped by. Her expression was riveting. It had no doubt been a long day. Her stormy blue eyes said it all. Everyone’s attention was focused elsewhere. I watched in fascination as she gave full expression to her grumpy indignation. Her little feet stomped on the pavement.  Her eyes, shiny with tears, glared with outrage at no longer being the center of attention. Temper mixed with a little pout, all unedited, visible and raw.

Oh goodness, how pure and how glorious!

This winter has tested my stamina and optimism. Snow came early with its dark skies and alternating ice and wind storms and has not abated since. It has been cold long past the time I am able to hibernate; even the squirrels are confused by the lack of spring as they run the slippery snow slopes, their bodies demanding for what the weather will not give – reprieve.

 I am longing for the daffodils, those happy optimistic heads dancing, challenging the sun and my mood in a game of “who can be brighter”…

I was out for a walk. Spring finally tempting us with her promise. She is not here yet, and they are forecasting a few more weeks of cold winds, but if I tilt my head to the sun I can feel the warmth in the rays. There is a faint bird song in the trees. Caught in the transition between two seasons, these days are rarely remarked on. We are no longer in the grips of winter, not yet released by embrace of spring…

I had forgotten the soft feeling of ease that comes with the absence of the pressure of a deadline. I rediscovered the freedom of a soft space around me, where I could sit quietly in the midst of nothing and just allow time and the world to gently move around me. 

I remembered the quiet peace of no to-do list…