A Journey Back to Wanting
Picture this: I'm sitting across from a pair of eyes that stare at me with the intensity of a coach in Bisbee, Arizona - this wild little town that refuses to apologize for anything about itself. The street art doesn't just decorate walls; it tells raw, honest stories that make you stop and stare. Cafes spill their aromatic promises onto sidewalks where the scent of freshly ground coffee mingles with the desert air. Thrift shops overflow with treasures that whisper of other people's adventures - vintage leather jackets, hand-thrown pottery, books with margins full of someone else's dreams. Every storefront is painted in colours that would make any artist jealous. This place doesn't whisper it shouts "THIS IS WHO WE ARE" from every corner.
And there I was, surrounded by all this unapologetic aliveness, when she looked right at me and prompted: "What do you want? What will inspire you in the next few years? What do you dream about?"
I took a breath, ready to dive in. You know that moment when you're about to blow out your birthday candles? That split second when you're gathering all your breath and enthusiasm for that one big exhale?
Except I never exhaled.
I froze. Completely.
What do I want?
The question hung in the air like smoke, and I had... nothing. Not one damn thing came to mind. Nothing that made my pulse quicken. Nothing felt alive or exciting or even remotely inspiring.
Everything I managed to mumble was just a rehash of what I was already doing. And let me tell you, realizing you have zero dreams when someone asks you directly? It's like discovering you've been standing still for years without knowing it.
Holy Crap, I've Become a Manager
That's when it hit me like a slap: I'd turned myself into the Chief Operating Officer of my own life. I was just... executing. Following through on plans I'd made years ago when I was a different person with different everything.
Don't get me wrong - I'd executed beautifully. This business exists. You're reading this. I've built meaningful relationships, created a life that looks pretty good from the outside. I should have felt proud.
Instead, I felt like I was suffocating.
Because here's the thing nobody tells you: you can achieve every single goal on your list and still feel empty if those goals aren't actually yours anymore. If they belong to the person you were five, ten years ago.
I'd become so good at saying yes to opportunities that knocked on my door that I'd completely forgotten how to knock on doors myself. When did I stop being the architect of my own life and become just...the maintenance crew?
The Moment I Realized I Was Sleepwalking
You want to know what really scared me? It wasn't that I was unhappy. I wasn't. It was worse than that.
I was fine.
Ugh, that word makes my skin crawl. Fine. A place with no vitality. Fine doesn't demand anything of you. Fine doesn't require courage or risk or the possibility of failure. Fine is safe.
And I had been playing it so safe for so long that I'd forgotten what it felt like to want something badly enough that it brought those nervous butterflies thinking about it.
Sitting there in Bisbee, in front of a woman who'd clearly never met a risk she didn't want to flirt with, I felt like the most boring person alive. When had I become someone who coloured inside the lines? When had I started choosing beige over bold?
The Voice That Keeps You Small
Here's what I figured out in that moment of pure panic: there's a voice in your head that sounds like it's protecting you, but it's actually just keeping you small. You know the one I'm talking about. It's the voice that immediately jumps in with:
"But what if it doesn't work out?" "You should be grateful for what you have." "Don't be ridiculous." "People like us don't do things like that."
That voice had been running my life, editing my desires before I even let myself feel them fully. And I'd been listening to it like it was wisdom instead of recognizing it for what it really was: fear cloaked as responsibility.
The Wake-Up Call I Didn't See Coming
But sitting across from my coach in Bisbee, I couldn't hide from the truth anymore. The energy that had been missing from my life wasn't just happiness or contentment. It was wanting. The electricity of desire. The pull toward something just out of reach.
I realized that joy isn't something that happens to you - it's something you actively participate in. And participation requires knowing what you want to move toward.
That's when it clicked: I'd been watering plants that were past their bloom. Going through all the motions of a well-lived life without the actual life force underneath it all.
The Embarrassing Truth About Being a Coach Who's Lost Her Way
Can I tell you something embarrassing? I help people figure out what they want for a living. I guide them through these exact conversations. And there I was, completely unable to answer the most basic question about my own life.
It was like being a chef who'd forgotten how food was supposed to taste.
But maybe that's exactly why I needed to go through this. These dreaming muscles - they atrophy when you don't use them. And I hadn't used mine in so long, I wasn't even sure they still worked.
The Choice to Reach for the Hand
I wish I could tell you that everything tumbled out that weekend, that I left Bisbee with a crystal-clear vision and a detailed roadmap. But the truth is, I'm still wrestling with it. Still learning how to separate the voice of my dreams from the voice of my protector.
What did happen, though, was something even more important: I felt the full force of wanting to want. For the first time in years, I deeply connected with the invitation being offered to me - the invitation to be fully alive again. And I knew, more than anything else, I would not let it slip by. I needed to, at all costs, reach for the hand that was being extended to me.
I made the choice to dare, to be bold, and to risk dreaming again. It's scary as hell. But oh, when a glimmer of possibility suddenly lights up my heart, I feel like I can breathe again.
Your Turn
So here's what I want to know: Are you living your life, or are you just managing it?
Because the world doesn't need another person playing it safe. What we need is the version of you that's willing to want something bigger than what makes sense.
So what would happen if you let yourself want something unreasonable? Something that makes you feel a little foolish and a lot excited?
Start there. Start with one dream that makes you feel as bold and unapologetic as Bisbee declaring itself against the desert.
Your future self is counting on it.
P.S. If you want to open up your vision, give me a shout. I'm welcoming 4 guests to my Baja Mexico home for a vision quest in November, and I have space for 2 new coaching clients who want to work together over the next few months. If you're curious about how this works, just drop me a note.